There was not an official topic, but we discussed recovery, in a young child whose mother had died (near the end) and (earlier up) a child who's grossed out by food, especially if his younger sibling is eating or playing with food.
Half edited by Sandra.... needs work. :-)
Half edited by Sandra.... needs work. :-)
Parvine: Its the last few hours of 2014...
Sandra Dodd: Not in Australia it's not!
Sandra Dodd: No, Misa.
Parvine: Thats true!
Sandra Dodd: Jill is driving home to Colorado today so won't be here.
AlexPolikowsky1: My Australian friend called me to say Happy New year just before midnight!
Celeste: Good morning everybody!
AlexPolikowsky1: Robin Daniel had my last Mincemeat Tart and liked it last night!
AlexPolikowsky1: Hey Sylvia!
Sandra Dodd: Robin, did you mail mincemeat tarts to Minnesota?
Sandra Dodd: Julie brought some to the symposium from England. 
AlexPolikowsky1: Sandra she did!
Robin B.: I did, Sandra!
Robin B.: Oh, sorry everyone. My browser crashed. Catching up.
Sandra Dodd: If anyone here has the need to discuss anything important, we have enough people here to maybe help you out with ideas.
AlexPolikowsky1: I was sick and she send me some yummy food. And Christine Hall ( you met her Sandra here) brought me Korean food. I have the best friends. ( ok I am bragging!)
Robin B.: Breakfast is bagels with Greek yogurt cream cheese and lingonberry jam. And coffee.
Sylvia Woodman: I need to make some coffee that I can drink out of my new Claudia mug that Jim got for me.
Parvine: what is lingonbery?
Celeste: I got something that I could use some ideas with.
Robin B.: I'm ordering a Claudia mug for my friend for her birthday.
Virginia W: Speaking of food, I got a new (to me) stove! I can set the oven to a temperature and the oven becomes that actual temperature.
AlexPolikowsky1: Now I am all about Korean Drama! Right Celeste!! Dokko Jin!!!!!
Sylvia Woodman: Lingonbery is a kind of fruit. Grows up north I think. From Sweeden I think?
Celeste: Yes!!!
Robin B.: Parvine, it's Swedish jam made from lingonberries. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lingonberry...
AlexPolikowsky1: Awesome Robin!
Julie D joined the chat 5 days ago
Robin B.: A working stove!
Robin B.: Is that the famous Julie Daniel?
Julie D: yes
Sandra Dodd: The famous Julie Daniel! At my house!
Virginia W: That's the only thing I know about lingonberries: Swedes like them.
Robin B.: Virginia, I'm not Swedish, but I love them!
AlexPolikowsky1: OH MY Julie Daniel!!!
Julie D: we are at Sandra's house
Julie D: Adam is here too and James has gone to hike up Sandia Peak
Sylvia Woodman: How cool!
Robin B.: Hi Julie!!! I have paid your mincemeat tart-sending forward.
Julie D: Nice!
Sandra Dodd: Celeste, go ahead.
Sandra Dodd: Ask, or tell us your story.
Robin B.: Yes.
Celeste: oh, ok.
Celeste: I have a six month old that is starting to play with food. My two year old will vomit anytime food even comes near her.
Celeste: My husband is the one taking care of the kids right now, but I try to run over and help when I'm at home.
Celeste: He gets very frustrated and angry, which makes my two year old look very scared, or like he did something really bad.
Celeste: I could use some ideas on how to alleviate the situation. Aside from not giving Chloe food (which isn't really possible) and keeping them in separate rooms (which is sometimes possible), what else can I do?
Sylvia Woodman: So Chloe who is two doesn't eat?
Sandra Dodd: Celeste, I don't think there are other options. But why are you worred about a natural reaction (frustration)? It WOULD be frustrating.
Sylvia Woodman: What is making the 6-month old so angry?
Celeste: Chloe is my six month old, she screams until I give her a piece of whatever she sees me eating.
Sandra Dodd: It's the two year old that's ngry (or the dad, I think)
Sandra Dodd: If you're not there, Celeste, she's not screaming at you.
Sandra Dodd: Give us the factors as clearly as you can, please.
Celeste: Dad is angry when he has to clean up (totally understandable)
Misa: Does your two year old not throw up when she sees you eating?
Sandra Dodd: Is the older child physically affected, or is she disgusted and so gets angry and is the throwing up out of a kind of revulsion/fury combo maybe?
Sandra Dodd: If the baby goes where the two-year-old is, prevent that, maybe.
Celeste: No, Desmond (two year old) does not throw up when anybody else has food. Although he does dry heave when he sees some things, like something spilled that could be vomit or if he sees me breastfeeding Chloe when he's NOT hungry. He's very sensitive.
Sandra Dodd: If she's crawling, is she crawling, with food, toward her brother?
Celeste: The baby is not mobile yet. The two year old will go to the baby. I try to prevent that as much as I can.
Sandra Dodd: If he walks toward where she is and then throws up, that would irritate me if I were watching them.
Sandra Dodd: I'm totally on your husband's side. If Desmond knows he's going to be disgusted by food then HE should stay away from it.
Celeste: And keep her out of site when there's something going on that could potentially upset the older one.
Misa: I used to throw up when I was little, if I got mad. Does it seem like something the two year old does on purpose?
Celeste: I'm on my husband's side too. It's very irritating. I'm not sure why Desmond goes to look at her like that.
Celeste: It's like he's curious
Celeste: He wants to see her try to eat but then gets sick.
Sandra Dodd: It won't last forever.
Sandra Dodd: Either don't feed the baby, or don't let him in, I think.
Robin B.: Sibling rivalry?
Celeste: Yeah, ok. I thought maybe there's some other option I didn't think of.
Sylvia Woodman: that's what I was wondering about Robin.
Robin B.: Misa said she'd throw up if she was mad.
Robin B.: Maybe he's mad that he's no longer the baby.
Parvine: How long has Desmond reacted this way?
Sandra Dodd: Misa, I've known kids to be able to get (and stay) angry enough to throw up. So although Adam (who's in the room) suggested it was medical, I've seen kids who would throw up if they didn't get their way about something.
Robin B.: The gastro-intestinal version of a tantrum.
Celeste: He's not mad though
Sylvia Woodman: Can you get ahead of the situation? Get Desmond set up with a movie or some toys that will hold his attention while you feed the baby (maybe behind him so he can't see?)
Robin B.: Good idea, Sylvia.
Robin B.: Keep them separated.
AlexPolikowsky1: For a long time my son did not like to see his younger sister eat. He is been OK the last couple years. But it used to gross him out.
Sylvia Woodman: Keep a bucket handy so if he feels sick he has a good place to do it to help minimize the clean up.
Sandra Dodd: -=-The gastro-intestinal version of a tantrum. smile-=-Exactly.
Sylvia Woodman: Harry sometimes gets carsick. We keep something in the car for him to use (and a change of clothes in the trunk!)
Celeste: A bucket. That would help
Celeste: I do try to keep her out of sight
AlexPolikowsky1: Buckets when kids a pucky are a must
Sylvia Woodman: Can you make a kind of shield between them. Sometimes you can make a par
Sylvia Woodman: partition out of a cereal box or something similar if they are both at the table.
Parvine: As well as towels and kitchen roll which I had at hand as my daughter threw up easily in car.
Virginia W: I make, ahem, emesis basins from gallon water jugs.
Celeste: Yeah we got towels on the carpet but I'm not putting them in the right places. Or maybe I need more of them down
Sylvia Woodman: We do too!!! We use old OJ containers!
Celeste: OJ containers, hah we have plenty of those!
Virginia W: Cut out the top, leaving the handle
Sylvia Woodman: Yes!!!
Sylvia Woodman: We always have some in the car!
AlexPolikowsky1: Ice cream pails
Virginia W: You can rinse them, you can toss them
Celeste: brilliant
Robin B.: Is there anything else going on with Desmond right now, aside from the food aversion?
Celeste: we have ice cream pails too
Sylvia Woodman: How is their relationship otherwise?
Virginia W: Even if you're near a toilet, using a bucket is more comfortable
Sylvia Woodman: I did a lot of talking up their relationship when Harry was a newborn and Gabriella was two.
Celeste: he's jealous of her but he's starting to play with her
Misa: We used to do a plastic garbage bag inside a paper bag and we'd just pull out the plastic bag and tie it up and toss it.
Sylvia Woodman: As far as the historical record goes Harrys First Smile was at Gabriella.
Celeste: he will do something and she will laugh
Sylvia Woodman: I always pointed out when he was watching her and how she could make him laugh. And how it was HER singing that helped him when we were in the car.
Sylvia Woodman: Even now if she is annoyed with him for any reason I remind her how important she is to him.
Robin B.: Celeste, the book Siblings without Rivalry was helpful to my friends who had more than one child (I have an only, so can't speak to that particular issue). http://www.amazon.com/Siblings-Without-R...
Celeste: I will check that out Robin, thanks
Robin B.: And what they've told me is that the older child needs some special attention, on his or her own. So they knew they were loved as much as the baby.
Virginia W: I remember liking that book, but I read it about 8 years ago, and I can't recall the content
Misa: Yes, can you and your husband commit to "Desmond time" - maybe at a specific time, every day, for fifteen minutes? At least one of you, during that time, can pay sole attention to Desmond, do what he wants to do, etc. This is special and beyond what he would otherwise get.
Robin B.: And of course, this: http://sandradodd.com/siblings
Robin B.: Which has a disclaimer about the book I mentioned, above.
Robin B.: I like this one, as well, though it's not specific to siblings, there is a mention: http://sandradodd.com/guest
Parvine: I read that book at La Leche League when my two youngest had similar age gap;spending time with older one alone and reminder of seeing situations through the older child's eyes.
Celeste: Heh
Celeste: "Doing things their way would be going backwards" ?
Celeste: "Doing things their way would be going backwards" ?
Celeste: woops
AlexPolikowsky1: Don't forget he is still a tiny baby himself. Maybe he wants to be babied. He may seem old and big compared to the baby but he is still a baby himself.
Sylvia Woodman: Right that is a mistake I made with Gabriella. She was still a baby too.
Robin B.: If you've been unschooling for awhile, Faber/Mazlish might sound like a step backwards is what I think Pam is saying.
Celeste: ok
Sandra Dodd: Sorry... got distracted singing The Cherry Tree Carol
Robin B.: Oh sure. Just go off singing without us!
Celeste: haha
Parvine: I remember vividly how "big" my 2 and a half year old appeared after her sisters arrival. Looking back I realised how "little" she still was.
AlexPolikowsky1: I realize that my son was still a baby when my mom took this picture:
AlexPolikowsky1: http://polykow.blogspot.com/2008/05/dont...
Celeste: I forgot where I read this it went something like "the less attention he gets, the more energy he will require" meaning if he's not getting enough attention, he will need more to make up for it
Celeste: I think it was on facebook
Julie D: sweet photo Alex
AlexPolikowsky1: He had been upset just moments before that picture.
AlexPolikowsky1: Thanks Julie. I love that picture.
Sandra Dodd: I like this: " "the less attention he gets, the more energy he will require""
AlexPolikowsky1: I can vouch for that!!
AlexPolikowsky1: And when we have a baby we have a tendency to ALWAYS run to the youngest when both kids are upset or needing us. Sometimes it is better to attend to the oldest first and then the youngest.
Celeste: Yes Alex, I have started doing that
AlexPolikowsky1: I loved that my son would tell me to go to Gigi if she was getting even a tiny little bit upset , and she was a very content happy easy baby.
AlexPolikowsky1: yes so he does not feel like he comes second now.
AlexPolikowsky1: If they keep hearing:
AlexPolikowsky1: "Yes honey but I have to do this for the baby first"
Celeste: My oldest (Chase) does that. He will sometimes go over and entertain her until I can get there. It's very sweet
AlexPolikowsky1: everytime!
AlexPolikowsky1: Sweet!
Robin B.: So Desmond is the middle child?
AlexPolikowsky1: and my son was 3 when GIgi was born. At 2 that is even harder for some kids.
Rippy joined the chat 5 days ago
Sylvia Woodman: It was very hard for Gabriella who was two when Harry was born.
Celeste: Yes, Chase is 5, Desmond is 2, Chloe is 6 months
Robin B.: Rippy!
Rippy: Hi Robin and everyone!!
Robin B.: (We had a wee chat this morning, Rippy and I).
Rippy: I just got an email from Julie saying I should go meet her at the chat
Robin B.: I was going to come back to FB and say the same thing.
Robin B.: Just hadn't gotten there yet!
Julie D: Rippy!!! Hello.
Rippy: I was lost in this Munchkin game that we've been trying to figure out for a couple of days and had no idea that it was the chat time (and to be honest - the chat day).
Sylvia Woodman: I can almost never make the chat any more. It's usually smack in the middle of my errand running time. But because of the holidays my schedule is different today.
Sandra Dodd joined the chat 5 days ago
Robin B.: Sandra, do you have any words of wisdom about middle children?
Rippy: Gisele says hello too - she's sitting on my lap waving to Adam. And Gianluca tells me I must say to Adam 'I got Dead Pool in Lego Marvel and Lego Batman 3
Sandra Dodd: If you need Munchkin-game help, consider asking Rose Sorooshian or Kirby.
Sandra Dodd: Robin...
Sandra Dodd: Marty was very easy.
Sandra Dodd: He's a peaceful, patient guy who never complains, so I don't have experience with a frustrated middle child.
Robin B.: Maybe we need Pam.
Rippy: I've watched three videos and the last one (the shortest) was the most helpful.
Sandra Dodd: Treating them like a baby sometimes, though, definitely.
Sandra Dodd: Treating them like "the big kid" sometimes, if you can do it where the firstborn isn't jealously objecting is good too.
Sandra Dodd: Attention.
Celeste: There was another quote I read recently that has really helped too. I'm paraphrasing "Show them you love them first, no matter how they are acting"
Robin B.: Yes.
Celeste: Actually, I think it was Pam that said that maybe
Julie D: Adam says to tell Gianluca that is very cool. That is one of the two hardest characters to get!
Robin B.: My "yes" was to "Attention."
Parvine: my middle one is peaceful and very at peace with the middle position. Feels its the best as close to both ends
Celeste: Alex you mentioned about saying "I have to do xyz for the baby first" all the time. I realized that was upsetting him and so I've stopped saying that. Sometimes it's true, but I word it differently and don't mention the baby at all.
Robin B.: Would Pam have said that, I wonder? Maybe!
Celeste: That has helped a lot. And also finding ways to make him wait less
Robin B.: Celeste, does the baby like being carried in a sling?
Celeste: Not so much make him wait less time, but attending to him right when he asks more often.
Sandra Dodd: Use their names.
Celeste: Sometimes
Sandra Dodd: "the baby" is HIS old designation and he has been robbed.
Sandra Dodd: I'd use the name
AlexPolikowsky1: Yep Celeste. If you keep saying you are picking the baby and he is always second. So you love the baby more.
Celeste: Oh, I do
Sandra Dodd: Rather than not refer to him at all, don't say "the baby."
AlexPolikowsky1: I forget names sorry 
Robin B.: You can do things with Desmond while Chloe is in the sling.
Celeste: Yeah, sometimes that works. Like yesterday I was running up and down the hall with Chase and Desmond while I was holding Chloe. Well they were running, I was walking fast 
Robin B.: Three kids under 5 is a lot of work.
Sandra Dodd: I had three five and under. Kirby was five when Holly was born.
Rippy: Gianluca wanted me to tell Adam "I only need three more characters and then I have all the characters in Lego Marvel. I came to free roam in Lego Batman 3." He's wondering how far Adam has gone?
Robin B.: Not that I know firsthand. But from observation.
But from observation.
Celeste: Yeah, although Desmond is getting older and is more and more able to play video games with Chase. So that has helped too.
Julie D: He is back to free roam but hasn't done much in free roam yet
AlexPolikowsky1: I take my hat off. I do not think I would have been a good mom of 3 under 5.
Parvine: It sure is Robin and things do change fast. Leili, Atai and Eyo are now 16, 14 and 11.
Rippy: Gianluca says when you're here visiting, Adam can play with his characters on Lego Marvel.
Celeste: It depends on the 3.
Julie D: Good plan. I still need to figure out when we can come.
Rippy: I take my hat off too. I thought I could do it, but when I had two, my hands were literally very full and I didn't know how to figure out how to add another
Celeste: Chloe and Chase are pretty content to play on their own with us nearby. Desmond needs lots of physical play, lots of direct attention.
Rippy: No worries Julie - not much has changed on the schedule we gave to you.
Sandra Dodd: Celeste, be comforted by the idea that they're older every day, but also pay attention in wasys that you won't be able to, soon.
Celeste: "pay attention in wasys that you won't be able to, soon." because Chloe will start crawling/walking?
Sandra Dodd: No. To Desmond.
Sandra Dodd: Pay attention to him while he's small and needy and wants you.
Sandra Dodd: If you're not careful, he might not want you as much when he's older
Celeste: Oh, I see
AlexPolikowsky1: Yes!!!^^^
Sandra Dodd: You can't wait until the baby's older to pay attention to your three year old
Sandra Dodd: You won't have a three yaer old.
AlexPolikowsky1: don't push him to away. He is still a baby . His needs are as important as hers.
Robin B.: Some kids are, by their nature, more "labor-intensive." Sometimes, mothers are shocked when they have such a child, after the very "easy" first one. Happened to my friend.
Celeste: Ok, I need to get some work done. Thanks for the chat!
Sandra Dodd: Yes.
Sandra Dodd: Kirby was harder than Marty, so it seemed easy to us.
Robin B.: Celeste, do you work at home?
Robin B.: If you're still here?
Celeste: Yes and No
Sandra Dodd: Friends of ours had an easy kid and then a hard one. Not as fun that direction.
Robin B.: Okay...I'll bite.
Celeste: Sometimes I work at home. Most of the time I come to the pool room in our building and work
Celeste: Why?
Robin B.: Okay, so what I was asking is, I guess, if you are working. Are the kids with you? You said your husband was looking after them?
Robin B.: Just trying to figure out what else might be going on for Desmond.
Celeste: Oh, the kids are with Dad when I'm working.
Celeste: Sometimes he works, and the kids are with me.
Celeste: We are software developers. We have our own company.
Robin B.: Sandra, my friend was pretty smug in her mothering with her first child. I think she looked at me, thinking I must be doing something terribly wrong to have this fussy, high-need child. Even though we did the same kind of mothering. Then, she had a second child. Just like mine. The lightbulb went on!
Sandra Dodd: Same happened with the other family, and us. They thought we were clueless and they were really great parents.
Robin B.: :::snort:::
Rippy:
Sandra Dodd: Then we had Marty (super placid and smiley) and they had Caiti (seemingly possessed by demons)
Robin B.: So, Celeste, that's a lot!
Robin B.: "seemingly possessed by demons" bwahahaha!
Celeste: A lot?
Robin B.: Work, 3 children under 5. Deep breathing is good!
Robin B.: One's own company. We're self-employed, as well. It's not easy.
Celeste: Yes, deep breathing is a life saver
Celeste: I wish it was more of a reflex action
Robin B.: I wonder if it would be helpful, sometimes, to find an older child (unschooled teen, pre-teen, maybe) to be with the kids. Even for a short while. Especially if your husband gets frustrated.
Sandra Dodd: Caiti calmed down after about 20 years.
Robin B.: Yes, that's what we're finding, as well.
Robin B.: There are still big moments.
Celeste: We have talked about that on more than one occasion
Robin B.: Good! It's in the realm of possibility.
Sandra Dodd: YES. Kids. Older kids who want some money.
Parvine: Leili was high-need baby, when Atai came along the needs heightened for quite a while whereas Atai was a relaxed baby. There was a huge difference.
Sandra Dodd: Who will befriend a child who needs more attention.
Sandra Dodd: When they say "The squeaky wheel gets the grease" it usually means that if you want something say so, or that if you complain you might get more than your share of the attention.
AlexPolikowsky1: Yeah I had a neighbor homeschooled girl come a couple times to play with my son and he LOVED IT.
Robin B.: Yep.
Celeste: We are moving in 2 months (don't know where yet) so I was putting off finding someone. But maybe I should start looking.
AlexPolikowsky1: Wish I had done more but I did have my mom here on and off for months and that helped tons!
Sandra Dodd: But if you think of your family as a system with moving parts, or as a team, or as a machine, then if something is squeaking, it probably NEEDS grease!
Sandra Dodd: Celeste, you've revealed something important.
Sandra Dodd: You're moving in two months.
Sandra Dodd: You WERE putting something off.
AlexPolikowsky1: In the beginning I would ask my mom to care for my son while I attended to the baby. Gigi was easy. Then I started doing the oposite and hand out Gigi to my mom while I took care of my son's big needs. He quickly calmed down and things when much smoother that way. That is when he started caring for his sister more.
Sandra Dodd: (You still are.)
Sandra Dodd: "maybe I should start looking" is nothing at all like "I will look" or "I will find."
Sandra Dodd: If you put this off, it won't happen.
Sandra Dodd: If youre child were wounded, you would take him to an emergency room.
Sandra Dodd: He is expressing woundedness and you're on the computer telling strangers that maybe
Sandra Dodd: you should
Sandra Dodd: start
Sandra Dodd: looking
Sandra Dodd: Very many steps away from doing.
Celeste: Alex, When my mom was visiting last I gave her Chloe. After a couple of times I noticed that was not working out. Desmond wanted more time with her. So I started taking Chloe and left her to play with Chase and Desmond. The visit was so much happier.
Celeste: Sandra, you are awesome. You are also very right.
AlexPolikowsky1: because you mom was visiting. My mom kind of lived here for months at a time . So the newness were off
AlexPolikowsky1: Grandma's are fun when they visit!
Celeste: Thanks for all your help everybody. I am so grateful for this chat! Happy New Year!
Celeste left the chat 5 days ago
Rippy: What is everyone doing for New Years tonight?
Bernadette joined the chat 5 days ago
Robin B.: Watching Canadian comedy shows!
Robin B.: Probably getting Chinese food.
Robin B.: Or Thai.
Virginia W: Making cookies!
Rippy: Fun!
Bernadette: Party at my sister's, in 30 minutes.
Rippy: I'm eating cookies that we baked during the chat. So yummy
Virginia W: In my fabulous normally functioning oven!
Misa: I know our chat is almost over, but I was wondering if anybody has any advice on how to calm down and trust when you're having fears relating to unschooling/parenting.
Parvine: We are in London for a few more days and may be venturing out with the crowds to watch the fireworks in Central London!
Julie D: we are eating Sandra's home made cookies too!
Misa: Tonight, we're going to play games, have black eye pea casserole, and eat pie. More gaming tomorrow.
Sylvia Woodman: We are going to have a camp fire and Harry wants to make toast over the fire!
Sylvia Woodman: So we can "toast" the new year. Get it!!! He is making a lot of puns and word jokes these days.
Bernadette: For me, Misa, it helps to stop looking into the future while nervous. Think about your kids, right then and there. Do your planning in a happier mood.
Sandra Dodd: http://sandradodd.com/breathe
Sandra Dodd: Calming takes breathing.
Sylvia Woodman: What kind of cookies? I want to do some baking tonight too.
Sandra Dodd: Toll house, pecans
Rippy: I just went to the fridge to get something Misa and noticed a note Graham posted on the door for himself when he starts getting frazzled with a situation with the kids and it might be helpful to you.
Parvine: Misa, for me too, focusing on the here and now and enjoying what is happening all around.
Sandra Dodd: http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully
Sandra Dodd: That, for calming.
Rippy: "focus, choose your attitude, have fun, make their day, be present, be happy"
Misa joined the chat 5 days ago
Misa: Sorry. My browser froze.
Rippy: Sylvia - we made 'Rich Roll Cookies' from the Joy of Cooking cookbook, page 772. They are joyful cookies!
Sandra Dodd: Little happiness builds up to bigger happiness.
Sandra Dodd: Practice on little bitty things.
Robin B.: I love that, Rippy.
Rippy: I'll tell that to Graham Robin. I love it too though He wrote it in rainbow colours because Gisele loves everything in rainbow colours and it makes him happy too.
He wrote it in rainbow colours because Gisele loves everything in rainbow colours and it makes him happy too.
Robin B.: I think it helps not to have huge expectations. That way you can focus on the moments, the little happinesses.
Misa: Part of the problem is that he has had trauma in the past, so gets super angry at what would get a small response from most people. We're working on it, but whenever that happens... I think I see a lot of families looking happy and so, since there's a lot of issues here, I feel like I'm obviously doing this poorly.
AlexPolikowsky1: When I have doubts I think how it would be if I made different choices like sending them to school or parenting it differntly and my answer is that I see that the other options do not compare to what i am doing. So then I calm down!
Robin B.: Misa, are you talking about your husband?
Parvine: I agree Robin and in every moment there are choices that can be made.
Rippy: Graham says the middle phrases are from a book about successful fish markets (!!! what, I never knew that!!!) and the 'focus' and 'be happy' are ones that Gianluca added.
Misa: Robin, no. My son. His mother died almost a year and a half ago and before that, there was some stuff going on that was not good but that we could not do anything about.
Robin B.: Sounds like the Pike Place fish market here in Seattle. They have a book!
Robin B.: Oh, thanks, Misa.
Rippy: Misa, how old is your son?
Misa: Almost seven.
Robin B.: Does he have some counselling?
Misa: He has. We did weekly grief counseling weekly for quite some time. Mainly, we were told, it would take time and repetition. There's plans to go back to counselling soonish if things don't improve.
Sandra Dodd: Comparing it to how he might be different if he were in school is probably the best tool for beginning to look clearly, Misa.
AlexPolikowsky1: I would make sure i am doing LOTS of things iwth him. Playing games, hanging out. Being more than there. Being very involved.
Sandra Dodd: If you think "maybe school would be better" think that through.
AlexPolikowsky1: At that age I played a lot of games iwth my son and listened to him talk about it a lot.
Sandra Dodd: If it would, and he wants to go, maybe that's not a bad idea.
Robin B.: Here's Sandra's counseling page, if that might help, too: http://sandradodd.com/issues/therapy
Rippy: My son used to have difficult times with things too Misa when he was younger. He's 10 now and so much more calm. In fact, the first time Julie and Adam came to Leiden, I wasn't confident enough that they could stay with us because that year he still used to get really upset about things
Sandra Dodd: If it wouldn't help, if it would hurt, if he doesn't want to, then elminate that part from your thoughts.
Sandra Dodd: What WOULD make him feel better?
Sandra Dodd: Think of two things that might help and choose the better one. Do that as often as you can be aware that you're thinking about what to do or say.
Misa: He does not want to go to school. There have been times that I've wondered if he'd be better off there, though. But I don't think they'd help. I think he'd get more rageful, when I'm being honest withh myself.
AlexPolikowsky1: What does he like to do Misa?
Robin B.: I have a lunch appointment to go to. Thanks, everyone, for the chat. And a Happy New Year to you all!! 
AlexPolikowsky1: Can you do more iwth him? Or maybe he needs more of his dad doing things wiht him.
Misa: He likes to watch Minecraft videos, play games, read.
Misa: His dad is actually very involved. We do a lot of the things he wants to do together. He just gets easily angered. Like, if something is unexpected. Or something gets moved. Or, the internet is slow (it is slower here than our last home).
Sandra Dodd: We have a time's up situation. Sorry I was distracted, but Julie and Adam are at my house!!
Misa: You've all given me good things to think about and put into practice, though. Thank you.
AlexPolikowsky1: My son used to get mad ( sometimes he still does at the respawning time) age and maturity was what helped him.
Sandra Dodd: Try some ideas from those links, too, Misa, please.
Sandra Dodd: Thanks for being here, especially Rippy who was summoned against her will.
Misa: I will.
Rippy: It wasn't against my will! I was just forgetful
Julie D: oh good!
AlexPolikowsky1: We made sure he was comfortable and fed and heard . As he got older and we kept calm and I would talk to him when he was calm , he mellowed out a lot.
Misa: Alex, yes. Sometimes, I think that may just be it. I just have to figure out how to keep myself calm through all of it, too.
Parvine: Thank you for the chat and Happy New Year to everyone!
AlexPolikowsky1: Happy New Year!
Julie D: Happy New Year!
AlexPolikowsky1: Being calm is very important.
Rippy: Happy New Year Everyone!!!!!
Rippy: Found it! It's long, but I'll post it here
Rippy: Re: Nearly two year old with a struggling mama...
-=- When a child is left alone to cry themselves to sleep, all the trust that's been built up is broken. They can no longer trust that the parent will be there to meet their needs. It may take months (or even years) to rebuild that trust once it is broken. Wanting to reconnect and trying for a few weeks isn't enough...you have to be committed to being a better, more connected parent every day (forever). -=-
This can happen anytime a child has to go through a stressful period for a prolonged time and the parent is no where to be found. After we enrolled our two year old in a Waldorf preschool for two mornings a week, he went from being a sociable, mellow toddler to being highly sensitive, easily overwhelmed and needing me a lot.
What I realized was that before he went to preschool, his 'cup' of positive energy was full and he was great at replenishing his cup throughout the day, with cuddles, breastfeeding, play and laughter. In fact, I would say his cup was overflowing most days. After 1.5 years of preschool, not so much. Little upsets during the day would be overwhelming to him and his cup (which now seemed to be only half full at the best of times), quickly went empty and he was only able to get a little bit in there, even after lots of cuddles, breastfeeding, etc.
The thing that has worked well for him is making my mornings all about him and his little sister. We stay in bed and talk about what they dreamt last night, how we hope our day will go today, what type of superpowers we would like to have, anything that they want to talk about. I imagine myself filling his cup with my love and positive energy and I stay completely focused on both children until I notice Gianluca is overflowing (Gisele lives in a state of overflow).
I've been doing this for about 3 years now. Sometimes it takes 30 minutes, sometimes 3 hours. He is so much better at replenishing his own energy in the last 6 months, than when I first started. Now when there is a little (or sometimes even big) upset, all that is usually needed is eye contact, a comforting hug and a whisper of loving words for him to be peaceful again. If for some reason I can't give him that time in the morning, our days are much less peaceful. I *love* that I can do this for him. In fact, I would say it's one of my favourite things about being a mom. And there are so many to choose from.
Find something that works in bringing more peace to your daughter and find something that works in bringing more peace to your daughter and do lots more of that and with great regularity. Rippy (Gianluca 7, Gisele 5)
Bernadette: Happy New Year, everyone.
Misa: Thank you, Rippy.
Sandra Dodd: I'm going to go. Thanks for being here. Rippy THANKS for finding and bringing that writing. Misa, Breathe!
Misa: Thanks, Sandra.
Rippy: You're welcome
Julie D: Bye all. We are off to Target to do some shopping and maybe see Marty!
Misa: Goodbye everyone. Have a great and happy new year.
