From Sandra's notes for today's chat:
"March 26 chat, Deb Lewis will come and answer questions you might have of her. (Thank you, Deb!) So you'll need to read up on some of her experiences and her knowledge so you'll have ideas about what to ask her!
Marta will be the host, I'll be asleep somewhere in Australia and will wake up and read the transcript later."
Marta Pires joined the chat
Deb Lewis joined the chat
Deb Lewis: All of my sticky note reminders worked! I'm here!
Marta Pires: Yay! And I got here on time today!
Marta Pires: 
Deb Lewis: Thank you, Marta! I'm glad you're here.
Marta Pires: And I am *so* glad you're here, Deb!
Capn Franko joined the chat
Marta Pires: Hi Frank!
Deb Lewis: Hello, Frank.
Capn Franko: Hi! I made it.
Marta Pires: It has been so cool to read, and reread in some cases, your writings in the past few days, Deb. I absolutely love everything you write and I wish you would write more.
Deb Lewis: That's kind of you. I don't write very well but I feel like I have a lot I want to say!
Virginia Warren joined the chat
Deb Lewis: I'm glad there are really good writers, like Sandra, Joyce, Pam S., Pam L. and others, writing about unschooling.
Rippy joined the chat
Rippy: Hi everyone!
Virginia Warren: Hi
Deb Lewis: Hi!
Marta Pires: I'd love to read all you want to say though, even if you feel you don't write very well. Would you consider writing anyway? 
Your writings make me laugh and think in a serious way at the same time. Not many can do that.
Your writings make me laugh and think in a serious way at the same time. Not many can do that. Marta Pires: Hi Rippy!
Capn Franko: Good morning from the Pacific Northwest, whatever your time zone.
Jill Parmer joined the chat
Rippy: I've always loved reading what you've written Deb.
Deb Lewis: You're all very kind. Or very drunk. Either way, thank you.
Deb Lewis: Jill!
Marta Pires: (Let's wait until we've got 10 people or until it's half past the hour to start the chat, like Sandra usually does.)
Rippy:
Jill Parmer: Deb!
Jill Parmer: Deb, you do write well! One of the things I notice and love about your writing is that you can get humor across.
Marta Pires: See what I mean? I don't drink, so I must be very kind. 
I don't drink, so I must be very kind. Jill Parmer: Either that or I get your humor and I'm as crazy as you?
Deb Lewis: Not always, considering the amount of hate mail I get.
Jill Parmer: What? Seriously, you get hate mail?
SaraVaz joined the chat
Marta Pires: Oh Jill, then that makes me crazy too, because I love Deb's humor!
Rippy: Do you seriously get hate mail?
Capn Franko: I'm not drunk. Yet. Gimme an hour.
Marta Pires: Ha Frank!
Deb Lewis: Jill, you are one of the loveliest people I know.
Rippy: Frank, you could pretend you're in Europe. It's drinking time here. But there's nothing wrong with a breakfast drink, I think.
Jill Parmer: Addi just called me on the phone, and she said, "I like Deb Lewis."
Capn Franko: Actually I hafta drive about 200 miles this aternoon, so I won't be getting drunk for lunch, damnit. (grin)
Capn Franko: Rippy, I love a good Mimosa or Kir Royale.
Deb Lewis: Not so much anymore, but when I was writing a lot on AlwaysLearning and unschoolingbasics. Lots of hate mail. I saved some.
Jill Parmer: Wow.
Marta Pires: Wow.
SaraVaz: Hi everyone!
Rippy: That's sad
Capn Franko: If you're getting hate mail, you're doing something right.
Deb Lewis: One person told me Dylan would beat his girlfriend and be in jail and then I'd be sorry, and neener.
Marta Pires:
Deb Lewis: Oh, and he'd get her pregnant. I don't remember which cane first, the beating or the baby, but neither prediction came true.
Deb Lewis: *came* first. Freudian slip? Who doesn't like a good caning? (I'm not drunk)
Rippy: Did that discourage you to write more often, Deb?
Rippy: Frank I had to look up both Mimosa and Kir Royale. I'm not a hip drinker like you.
Capn Franko: Deb! We're not-drunk twins today!
Jill Parmer: I think your AC (armor protection in role playing games)
seems high. And your logic is high. Did those comments bother you?Capn Franko: I luvs me some frou-frou champagne drinks. Especially with Bananas Foster at brunch.
Deb Lewis: No, they didn't bother or discourage me. I eventually wrote less because life got busier.
Deb Lewis: Hi, Sara!
Renee Smock joined the chat
Deb Lewis: Frank's the evil twin.
Renee Smock: Hi Everyone. Excited to be here to chat with Deb
Capn Franko: Of course!
Renee Smock: or at least read what she has to say.
Deb Lewis: Hello, Renee!
Misa Knight joined the chat
Deb Lewis: Hi, Misa!
Misa Knight: Hi!
AlexPolikowsky4 joined the chat
Capn Franko: Brief aside, I see that the video of Sandra's 7-minute segment is up on youtube. Seemed ok compared to many tv spots on unschooling.
AlexPolikowsky4: Hello!!!!
Capn Franko: Alex!
Deb Lewis: Alex!
Marta Pires: I agree, Frank.
AlexPolikowsky4: Can you post the the link please?
AlexPolikowsky4: Hey! I was at my neighbor's house having Tuna melt for lunch and chatting!
Deb Lewis: Frank, I thought she did well. Her face when David Zyngier (?) said "you cannot learn to read in isolation..."
Jill Parmer: I think that's the place I saw a twinkle come on Sandra's face.
AlexPolikowsky4: I love love love Deb Lewis!
Deb Lewis: I love you too, Alex!
AlexPolikowsky4:
AlexPolikowsky4: Thanks Frank!
Marta Pires: Ok, so we've already got 11 people. First of all, I'd like to thank Deb for accepting Sandra's invitation to be here with us today. You have been an inspiration for many many parents wanting to understand how to unschool and how to do it well, I'm sure -- you've certainly been an inspiration for me and you've helped me, through your wise and funny words, grow in ways I didn't think were possible. Thank you so much for everything you do to help us be better parents and better unschoolers! I think that maybe it would be better if you could first tell us your child's name and age, Deb, for the sake of future readers and for those of us here who don't know. Could you also explain when and why you moved toward unschooling?
Virginia Warren: I watched it a little while ago. I think Sandra was great. That guy was condescending and patronizing in a way only an "education expert" can be.
Marta Pires: Unless people want to comment on Sandra's segment on the Mornings show first...
Robin B. joined the chat
Capn Franko: Seems they always wanna try to focus on the fact that Sandra has an education degree and *that* is why she can do it. A better exploration might be to ask why so many people with education degrees have chosen unschooling.
Capn Franko: Robin!
Deb Lewis: Hi, Robin!
Misa Knight: I just watched part of that - I'll watch the rest later. But it's so classic: pairing the free-flowing versus the, for lack of a better word, stiff and regulated.
Robin B.: Hi! So sorry I can't stay too long. I'm meeting Jenny C. and Gwen Montoya at the Seattle Aquarium soon.
Renee Smock: I agree Frank. I've always found it quite interesting how many teachers I've met who are now home schooling.
Robin B.: Frank, you're welcome to join us.
Capn Franko: Have fun, Robin. After the chat I'll be leaving for Vancouver for the LiG planning meeting.
Robin B.: Of course you are!
Capn Franko: Renee, I'm one of 'em.
Robin B.: Deb, please come back again when I can stay for the entire chat.
Deb Lewis: Sure!
Robin B.: Oh, goody!
Marta Pires: I think we should do all of these "special guest" chats again!
Robin B.: I guess we should let you answer Marta's question!
Jill Parmer: Yes!
Deb Lewis: Dylan really didn't want to go to school. I had read some John Holt and by the time he was compulsory school age, I had read some Sandra Dodd. Dylan was learning all the time. Unschooling seemed natural.
Marta Pires: How old is he now, Deb?
Deb Lewis: Dylan is twenty one.
Marta Pires: Can you tell us a bit about his current interests and what he does nowadays?
Jill Parmer: Deb, did you and Dylan have any unschooling friends where you lived?
Deb Lewis: He lives with us, which is lovely, and he plays keyboards, and is learning flute, (like a native american flute, and taking some online classes in some computer thing I don't quite understand, and is learning to repair ancient television sets, which he collects.
Marta Pires: Cool!
Robin B.: Indeed.
Deb Lewis: There were two other families who were sort of unschoolers. The kids were older than Dylan, but we're all still friends.
Deb Lewis: They lived a few miles away but all the kids were in the same Karate and Tae Kwon Do classes.
Marta Pires: Is he into photography too? I remember seeing some of his pictures on Just Add Light, or was I dreaming it was him?
Deb Lewis: Yes. He's interested in photography and film making. Has made some short films. Experimented with stop motion photography, and is interested in developing his own pictures.
Jill Parmer: Now that Dylan is 21 can you see how unschooling benefitted your family? Any disadvantages?
Deb Lewis: The benefits are that he was/is happy. He wasn't a good fit for school. I think he would have been lost. He had a lot of time to devote to things he loved. He plays piano and the organ and synthesizer well. He's an avid reader. He's not afraid of anything. It's kind of beautiful.
Marta Pires: Wow, Deb. It is beautiful.
It is beautiful.Deb Lewis: If there are disadvantages, those might be that he had a lot of questions from friends and family, and maybe felt different. But he says he *is* different, and would have felt that way if he'd gone to school. Maybe unschooling helped him avoid some school injury.
Deb Lewis: We can only really guess at the outcome if we'd chosen differently.
Renee Smock: Deb, I've been very inspired by how you tapped into your community for learning and exploring Dylan's interests. We moved a couple of years ago from Los Angeles to Eastern Washington and it's been helpful to have your ideas and writings to go to for inspiration (and encouragement).
Deb Lewis: I don't find it easy to talk to people, but if my kid was interested in something I could talk to *anyone*! And one thing I found, at least in a small town, that people seem eager to help kids.
Misa Knight: Deb, I've wondered about that. We're about to move away from Seattle, where unschoolers are plentiful, to the midwest where, I've been told, there aren't as many. How did you handle not having a lot of other unschooling families nearby? Our local unschooling community has been very important to us in terms of support and not feeling too "different" and I'm wondering how not to make it - difficult (?) - that we won't have that now.
Deb Lewis: We mostly followed Dylan's interests and met people who shared those interests. Finding unschooling friends wasn't the goal. The goal was finding shared interests.
Deb Lewis: That worked pretty well for us.
Robin B.: That's what has worked well for us, too.
AlexPolikowsky4: No Deb, but we live in SE Minnesota and there are a couple unschooling families in town (one is new to unschooling) but we manage just fine. We live in the world around and are friends with all kinds of people not just unschoolers. We just do things we love and like to do and meet people who share the same interests.
Robin B.: Meeting kids at conference who shared her interests really helped, too. But she has plenty of online friends who are schooled.
Robin B.: And it's their interests that bring them together.
AlexPolikowsky4: My 8 year old has friends online who are schooled and they get along great.
Robin B.: Common interests.
AlexPolikowsky4: They share those interests and that is the key!
Laurie joined the chat
AlexPolikowsky4: I learned that being an unschooler does not necessarily mean they will have the same interests or even get along.
Jill Parmer: How do you spend your time now Deb?
Marta Pires: -=-The benefits are that he was/is happy. (...) He's not afraid of anything. It's kind of beautiful.-=- I've been thinking a lot about this, about our emotional life, and how it seems to be much more important to our mental and even physical health, and to the way we view the world and deal with it, than anything else. In my humble opinion, radical unschooling can have a huge role in providing a healthy, respectful, loving environment for our kids to grow in. I was going to ask what your take on this was, from what you have observed in your own family and probably from what you've been able to see in other unschooling families, but I think it's clear that you agree.
AlexPolikowsky4: Deb is Dylan more social and likes to hang our with friends? My son is pretty happy to do his own thing and hang out with us right now.
Misa Knight: Yes, we've definitely had other unschoolers we don't click with.
Renee Smock: Totally agree Alex.
Deb Lewis: Dylan is more of an introvert, like his mother. But when he wants to do something that involves other people or crowds of people, he seems to have no difficulty. I'm kind of envious of that.
Virginia Warren: Most of our local friends go to school, but all of our online friends are unschoolers. From the unschooling gamers group, in fact.
Capn Franko: This is a swell chat but I gotta go. Y'all have fun. See ya later.
Robin B.: Sorry to leave you all. Thanks for being here, Deb, and thanks, Marta, for coordinating! Ta ta.
Deb Lewis: Three of my siblings are very introverted. They are all adults, older than me and they have a lot of uncomfortable feelings about school, still. I'm glad Dylan doesn't have that.
Robin B.: I'll read later!
Robin B. left the chat
Marta Pires: Bye Frank! Bye Robin!
AlexPolikowsky4: Bye you guys!
Deb Lewis: Bye!
Virginia Warren: Bye
AlexPolikowsky4: Is there anything Dylan thinks you should have done differently? Or do YOU have any regrets?
Rippy: That's interesting Deb. Do you think maybe it's because he was an introvert that wasn't pushed into social situations that he wasn't ready for (which often happens at school), that he's much more comfortable in social situations?
Rippy: Bye Robin and Frank!
Rippy: I meant to give this link to Robin as a fellow Canadian. Sorry it's off topic: http://www.cbc.ca/player/Shows/Shows/The...
Rippy: For Robin to read when she reads the chat later.
Deb Lewis: Rippy, yes. I do think that. There were a few years he didn't want to go into the grocery store, so I went for him. At some point he decided if I could do it, he could, too. And he has been unafraid since then. I think having the time to adjust, instead of being forced, made a significant difference.
Deb Lewis: I have no regrets about unschooling except that I wish we would have traveled more. Dylan says he has no regrets.
Virginia Warren: It surely must make a difference for an introverted person not to be treated like their personality is a defect to be corrected.
Rippy: How would you have fitted in more travel Deb, in retrospect?
Marta Pires: I'm so glad I ran into radical unschooling writings so early on in Conchinha's life and that I have given her the time (and will continue to do so) to adjust, socially speaking, like you did with Dylan, Deb.
Deb Lewis: Rippy, we were worried about money more than I wish we had been. I would have spent the money. But we've helped Dylan travel some in the last few years, and that's been good.
Deb Lewis: Virginia, yes. I didn't know how much difference it could make, but looking at Dylan, and looking at my siblings, it's very clear to me today.
Rippy: We're in that place now Deb. Many of our holidays have been staycations and Gianluca is feeling a huge need to travel. Last year we started traveling more and the kids only want more and more of it. There are money issues, but I'm thinking that I want to help them get that need met.
Deb Lewis: Yes, I'm not recommending wracking up irresponsible debt for the sake of travel, but working it out if you can, is important, I think.
Deb Lewis: Getting away from home gives a new perspective. Even if it's to a cabin in the woods for a weekend.
Rippy: I've been thinking of ways that I can make extra money to fund more travels. But I so, so, so love being a stay at home mom that doesn't need to work. Now that they are 9 and 7 I'm thinking maybe I can come up with something small and part-time and from home that helps them with their travel bug.
Renee Smock: We sometimes go to a hotel in town for the night - and it feels like a getaway.
Deb Lewis: It is hard, Rippy. I was a stay at home mom until Dylan was twelve.
Deb Lewis: Yes, Renee! We used to rent forest service cabins for our getaways. We have many fond memories.
Rippy: Did you always want to be a stay at home mom Deb? Or did you miss work? And what did you do when you went back to work?
Renee Smock: LOVE forest service cabins. (one good thing about being back in the Northwest)
Deb Lewis: I wanted to be with Dylan. I was so in love with him, I think I might have died if I'd had to leave him. I went to work because his beloved cat got sick and we had huge vet bills, and Dylan was *fine* with me working for the cat!
Rippy: Renee we waited for a great deal at a super duper expensive hotel and took the kids there. With an impressive breakfast. Only for one night, but the hotel was super exciting and right on the beach and they *loved* it.
Deb Lewis: I went to work at a motel first, housekeeper, then at a flower shop. Small towns are nice because your kid can come hang out with you at work sometimes, and nobody cares.
Renee Smock: FUN! Being able to wait on deals and go when it's slow is another perk of homeschooling
AlexPolikowsky4: "I wanted to be with Dylan. I was so in love with him, I think I might have died if I'd had to leave him." I feel the same way Deb.
Rippy: I feel like that too, Deb - that I just want to be with the kids all the time. And I think that's why I'm dragging my heels with working. I don't think there will be a perfect time to get into it. But I know that they'd love to travel more and we live in Europe and there are exciting and fun places everywhere.
Marta Pires: Well, you're coming to Portugal next year, I hope. That'll be fun!!!
That'll be fun!!! Rippy: Have you heard of Groupon Renee? There are lots of great deals for normally expensive places there. I took the kids to a fish spa for their feet one time and they loved it.
Rippy: It will be really fun Marta!
Marta Pires: Oh, and we absolutely need to try to go to Disney in Paris.
Rippy:
AlexPolikowsky4: Rippy, as my kids get older I feel more ok with not being with them and them not being with me. It does change a bit. I still love love love being with them and rush home to be with them if I am out doing something.
Deb Lewis: I have so much compassion for mother's who have to work. And for fathers who do go to work so moms can stay home.
Marta Pires: I miss Conchinha and Bruno if I'm out for an hour.
Rippy: I was so into Disney and then I checked out their prices and almost fainted.
AlexPolikowsky4: Yes Marta!
Deb Lewis: Yes, it does change as they get older. Dylan liked having the house to himself when I was at work. And we had lots to talk about when I got home.
Renee Smock: I have used groupon once or twice. Good reminder. Thanks.
Sara Vaz: Thanks Deb! I die a little every weekend when I have to leave my babies to go to work... 
Rippy: Alex, I love it when they are out with their friends and having fun. If they are choosing to be with other people and prefer it to being with me in that moment (or for that part of the day), it gives me great happiness. But I love that I can almost always be there for them when they need me. It hurts my heart to think there might be times when I'm working where I won't be able to give them such complete access to my time and energy.
Jill Parmer: Deb, do you notice big changes in unschooling discussions? Is there anything that stands out when you first started unschooling to now?
Rippy: Good question Jill!
Marta Pires: Yes, great question Jill!
AlexPolikowsky4: Yes Rippy I get it, but it does really change as they get older and it depends on the kid too.
AlexPolikowsky4: One year makes a huge difference.
Deb Lewis: Jill! I wish I did notice big changes! Sometimes I sigh that the questions are the same ones people were asking fourteen years ago. But also, for some people at least, the internet has opened up the world, and some people are less fearful of keeping their kids out of school.
AlexPolikowsky4: I get way too much time now with my kids at 8 and almost 11 ( 12 in the end of June)
Rippy: That's good to know Alex. And I imagine the kids will love having the house to themselves sometimes. I used to love that time when I was growing up.
Virginia Warren: Me too. Home alone = introvert heaven.
AlexPolikowsky4: Me too Rippy. I used to love it!
AlexPolikowsky4: Now I changed and want my kids around me.
AlexPolikowsky4: Still like solitude, but going out in the yard or anything outside (I live in a farm out in the countryside) is enough for me to recharge.
Deb Lewis: Yes, Virginia!
Virginia Warren: By the time I was my younger daughter's age (7), I had already given up on playing with my parents. I love that my kids still want me around all the time.
Deb Lewis: Now that Dylan is the one most likely to have things to do away from home, I'm home alone. I miss him!
AlexPolikowsky4: And now my kids rather be home than run errands with me so I get to do that alone and I miss them so much!
Jill Parmer: When I first started getting lots of time to myself, I was a little lost. Wandering around the house not knowing quite what to do. I wanted to go poke my kids to get them up to play with me.
AlexPolikowsky4: I played a little bit of Dishonored with my son this morning. Went to have lunch with my neighbor and came back , Gigi woke up as I got home and has been playing next to me. Right now my son and her are in his room and they are playing together. I love that they want to show each other things and share what they like.
AlexPolikowsky4: HA Jill! Same thing!
Rippy: My kids went to a day camp last summer and it was the first time I had the house to myself for a chunk of time, a few days in a row. They were having a great time there and that made me happy. I recharged so much in that time, because I'm an introvert too and have hardly had any time on my own at home. But I love being with them and don't seek out introvert time, other than little bits of time here and there.
Jill Parmer: Deb, I think the same questions over and over seem to be about fear of messing up your kids, and it's hard (for some) to get their head around the idea of doing something outside the mainstream?
Jill Parmer: Now I sew A LOT and my family loves everything I make them.
Virginia Warren: I wonder though, why people have so much trouble wrapping their minds around the idea that school might mess up kids. Stockholm syndrome?
Deb Lewis: Yes, Jill. Nobody wants to do the wrong thing and everyone wants some reassurance that things will turn out ok.
AlexPolikowsky4: My neighbor homeschooled all her kids and she tells me she wished she was more relaxed and less controlling that now she sees how much better that is for them (they are all in College or graduated from College). It is interesting to talk to her.
Deb Lewis: School is all most people know.
Deb Lewis: And yes, I believe it's something very like Stockholm syndrome.
Jill Parmer: I think it's different than Stockholm syndrome; I think it's the idea that sticking with what is familiar is better than venturing out into the unknown.
AlexPolikowsky4: It is all they know! School. You grow up hearing that you will not amount to anything if you do not go to school . It is ingrained.
Virginia Warren: True, but nobody seems to notice that all of the people who "didn't amount to anything" ALSO went to school.
Jill Parmer: Beginning unschooling can feel pretty lonely. You might lose friends, you might need to defend yourself, but not have all the words to explain it. Until you get your feet under you, and some confidence built, and a few extra layers of thick skin.
AlexPolikowsky4: For them school equals learning. Teaching equals learning. Unschoolers were able to stop, think, observe and see that one thing does not equal the other. That learning is everywhere and not necessarily in teaching.
AlexPolikowsky4: That is because in School if a student does poorly it is his fault but if they do well they praise the school and the teacher/teaching. It is never the school that was wrong for that child.
Deb Lewis: It's painful to admit that the people you love and trust put you through something painful. I think it's easier to find a way to justify it than it is to confront it, and the people you love.
Virginia Warren: Yeah, kind of reminds me of religion.
Renee Smock: People are defensive of their choices. It's easier to point out what they perceive as flaws to not going to school rather than looking at the flaws of school - yes, much like religion.
Deb Lewis: I'm glad there's a lot of good information now for people who want to avoid the damage of school.
Deb Lewis: If Dylan had been born when I was twenty, instead of thirty, things might have been so different for him.
Jill Parmer: You mean for young parents, Deb. That they are the ones not wanting to confront that their parents made them go to school?
Deb Lewis: Yes. I see it a lot. Grown ass humans who are still suffering from school humiliations and sorrows, but who justify it, because admitting it was all bullshit would also mean admitting that their parents were wrong in making them endure that misery.
Deb Lewis: It is very sad.
Jill Parmer: Ah.
Jill Parmer: Yes.
Virginia Warren: That's what's so "awesome" about the "My parents did X and I came out okay!" argument. It can be deployed in any situation.
Marta Pires: Jill and Deb -- I've always seen myself as an insecure person, with low self-esteem and a need for approval. Luckily, I've matured emotionally in the past two years, since I started reading about unschooling, and I don't see myself the same way anymore. But some of this need for approval might be personality, right? What would you recommend for me to lessen it? I'm asking this because I still feel nervous in some situations (with my parents, mainly) and we're not even unschooling yet.
Deb Lewis: Marta, maybe seek your approval elsewhere?
Marta Pires:
Virginia Warren: Marta, based on what I've seen with my two kids, who are very different, I think you may be right about approval-seeking.
Deb Lewis: And yes, I think it can have much to do with personality. It's a useful evolutionary trait to fit in well with your group. It meant survival. It's what all the smart survivors did!
Virginia Warren: I live in fear of my parent's approval. If I ever get it, I'll know to make a change. XD
AlexPolikowsky4: If you know why you have chosen something you will feel more confident. Knowledge is power. When you panic stop and think why you are doing what you are doing. Don't react. No need to answer something right away. You can say you need to think about it more and will get back to them later.
I think that may help?
Jill Parmer: I've tried to talk as a way out of insecurity. That has never worked for me. When I stand up and don't say a word, and just calmly breathe, I can get to the sense of I don't need to defend or be in a particular conversation. I can calmly move toward what I want.
Renee Smock: Marta, I think when it comes to family the "this is working now, we'll see what the future holds" sort of answer is a good way to go. You don't have to over-justify things and as you get more confident and the kids grow, people question less because they see the outcomes of what you're doing.
Laurie: If you let pleasing your parents get in the way of doing what you feel is right for your own children, you may feel regret later.
AlexPolikowsky4: I am very confident on most things. I was a good girl so I liked people to think I was a good girl but a good girl with lots of spunk. I do not have the need to be loved by all anymore. You cannot make everyone love you. People will disagree with you. I just don't take my time in discussions with them or try to convince anyone of my point of view.
AlexPolikowsky4: Yes Jill!!!!!!
Virginia Warren: Seeing one of my homeschooling friends slowly moving away from control as she's gotten to know us has been a huge confidence boost.
Deb Lewis: And remember, your parents don't need to agree with you in order for you to be right.
Renee Smock: So true Deb!
Jill Parmer: So, Deb, is the choice then, to stick with the group (say, family) or to leave the group?
Marta Pires: It's nice to think of it that way, Deb! (as a survival trait) I've always felt less than because I was/am like that. But I know that's not what will work for my family -- to please others and get their approval -- so I want to work this out, for my family's sake.
Deb Lewis: Some groups are better to leave. But for the groups you love, and always will, there are more than those two choices!
Marta Pires: Yes, Deb.
Deb Lewis: What I discovered is that the people who love *you* will love you even if they think you're crazy.
Jill Parmer: Right. I'm getting a little esoteric here. The feeling inside a person, might make it seem like those are the only two choices. But if one breathes, maybe you can figure out better moves to make. Anyone still with me?
Deb Lewis: And sometimes their concern is an indication of their love for you and your children. And who couldn't use more love?
Marta Pires: -=-If you let pleasing your parents get in the way of doing what you feel is right for your own children, you may feel regret later.-=- I agree, Laurie, and that's why I'm so dedicated to understanding how I can do what's right for my child. That's my priority although, like Deb said, I don't want to leave my "family's group", if that makes sense.
Deb Lewis: And helping those people feel easier about your choices, if you can, is worth the time and effort.
Laurie: Marta, the only person you have to live with is you. And when you are being the kind of mom that you want to be for your kids, you are simultaneously modeling to your children to follow their own values, not go along to fit in. Maybe thinking of it that way will help you feel more confident? Also, it wouldn't be *your choice* to leave the group. But I think you mean you want to continue to be accepted and that means following what is comfortable for others... even if it is how you parent. Is that right?
Laurie: Accepted by your family I mean...
Deb Lewis: Do what you think is right for your kids, help your parents feel easier about it, if you can. In time, your children will be so cool and smart, your parents won't have any choice but to agree you did everything right!
Jill Parmer: But it's not true that the only person she "has to" live with is herself. She has a husband, kid, extended family whom she cares about.
Jill Parmer: True dat, Deb. That's what happened here.
Marta Pires: -=-What I discovered is that the people who love *you* will love you even if they think you're crazy.-=- My main issue has been to acknowledge that my parents do love *me*, because for so long they've withdrawn their love and approval whenever I did something they didn't agree with. So I believe that left me thinking that they don't love *me.* But as I've read more about all this, on Always Learning and Radical Unschooling Info, and about turning away from fear and negative thoughts, and turn towards being open and loving, I've slowly realized that they do love me and it has felt good. It has been very healing.
Marta Pires: Yes, Deb. Thank you so much.
Jill Parmer: Yes, Deb, thank you so much for taking the time to be here today. Always love what you have to say. And miss you tons.
Marta Pires: Oh my, it's time for us to end the chat! I'm sorry for having taken up the time with my issues. Do you have time for one last quick question, Deb? Does anyone have a last question?
Do you have time for one last quick question, Deb? Does anyone have a last question?Deb Lewis: I have time!
Marta Pires: Cool! Anyone?
Jill Parmer: Anything you wanted to touch on, that didn't get asked, Deb?
Deb Lewis: What didn't get asked?
Deb Lewis: I don't even know!
Jill Parmer: Come on! What's in the mind of yours?
Jill Parmer: That you wanted us all to know!
Marta Pires:
Deb Lewis: Oh, Jill. You don't want to know.
AlexPolikowsky4: I do!
Marta Pires: But we do! We do!
Marta Pires:
Deb Lewis: Ok, this. It will be ok.
Jill Parmer: Heh. I weirdly do!
Jill Parmer: Nice.
Marta Pires: Great quote: "It will be ok."
Marta Pires:
Deb Lewis: Only in context, Marta.
Marta Pires: Yes, Deb.
Laurie: When I wrote about the only person you have to live with is yourself, I meant it this way....We each have to live with our choices. ie. If we make a choice to do something or not do something, our parents don't have to live with the consequences. We do. Maybe I could explain better, but the chat is ending.
Renee Smock: Deb, I have to say that I was surprised today to hear that you are an introvert. From your writing you seem very outgoing and very matter of fact. I have always appreciated your no-nonsense approach.
Deb Lewis: Renee! Introverts can be opinionated assholes, too, you know!
Deb Lewis: We just never do it in a crowd.
Renee Smock: haha
Deb Lewis: Too dangerous.
Marta Pires: Ha, Deb!
Jill Parmer: I could guess what you meant, Laurie. But even still look at "have to", read that page on Sandra's site. There are holes in what you say above. If one choice isn't working out, there are others to make.
If one choice isn't working out, there are others to make.AlexPolikowsky4: Oh Renee that is because you have not read the things Deb used to write ......... wish I had saved them!!!
Marta Pires: Deb, thank you so much for coming! It was a great chat.
Deb Lewis: Thank you, Marta, for hosting. It was fun.
Deb Lewis: Thanks, everyone.
Laurie: Good point Jill!
Jill Parmer: Thanks all. See ya next week.
Jill Parmer left the chat
Renee Smock: Thank you everyone!!
Rippy: Thank you so much Deb!
Rippy: Bye everyone!
Sara Vaz: Thanks everyone for the great chat!❤
Sara Vaz left the chat
Deb Lewis: My pleasure, bye, everyone!
Misa Knight: Thanks, Deb! Thanks everyone for the chat!
Marta Pires: Next week Sandra will be back!
Marta Pires: Bye everyone
Deb Lewis: Good! I was trying to calculate whether Sandra would be here.
Marta Pires: She'll be back at the chats, but she'll still be in Australia (she'll be at Schuyler's)
Deb Lewis: Thank you, I'm easily confused.
AlexPolikowsky4: 안녕
AlexPolikowsky4: Bye in Korean to friends!
AlexPolikowsky4: Bye in Korean to friends!
Deb Lewis: Alex, I thought you were drunk.
Marta Pires: Cool Alex!
Laurie: Thank you Deb!
Deb Lewis: Thank you, Laurie!
Laurie: Cool Alex!
Laurie left the chat
Virginia Warren: Thanks Deb, and everyone.
Marta Pires: Gotta go take a picture at my daughter's work of art on the bathroom wall. Conchinha and Bruno are painting the wall with some food dye and shaving cream.
Virginia Warren left the chat
Deb Lewis: Fun, Marta!
Marta Pires: I'll post it on facebook in a while!!! Bye!
Bye!Deb Lewis: Bye!
